Title: dumb and dumber (innocent bystander edit)
Pairing: Jonghyun/Onew, mentions of Minho/Taemin
Length: 751 words
Summary: Kibum hates his life sometimes, usually when Jonghyun and Jinki are involved.
Original Story: I'm With Stupid by lazychaoz
Notes: this isn't really meant to stand alone and will make much more sense if read with the fantastic original. many many apologies to lazychaoz for the mods' mistake with your original remix, hopefully this will make up for it a little. ♥
“I don’t want to go back to school” is the first thing Kibum tells his mom after his first day of class.
“Why not, honey?” she asks, and Kibum crosses his arms.
“Because Jonghyun and Jinki are in my class again and they’re annoying and won’t shut up.”
“Oh, I see,” she says, patting his head like he’s a little kid. Kibum hates that. He’s old enough to walk to school by himself; he doesn’t need his head patted when he clearly has a good reason to be mad.
“I’ll never learn anything with them around. They keep talking and talking and talking all the time. It’s annoying.”
“They haven’t seen each other all vacation, Kibum. Wait a couple of days and I’m sure they’ll remember you and all of their other friends.”
Frowning, Kibum turns back to emptying his schoolbag. “I don’t care. They’re stupid.”
“Han Solo is totally cooler than Luke Skywalker.”
“You would like someone wimpy like Luke.”
“He’s not wimpy! He has The Force! He doesn’t have to go around shooting people unless he wants to.”
“Who cares about the shooting? Han Solo has the Millennium Falcon. A spaceship is so much cooler than a light saber.”
“Guys, guys!” Kibum sticks his hand in the tiny space left between Jonghyun and Jinki’s faces. “You’re completely forgetting the best character in the whole series.”
Jinki pouts and Jonghyun looks incredulous as they both demand, “Who?”
“R2D2, duh,” Kibum says smugly.
The other two just look at him blankly before turning to each other in perfect synch. “Oh.”
In the backseat of a car with Jinki behind the wheel is just about the last place that Kibum wants to be, but it’s mostly his fault that Jonghyun’s curled up into a ball with his head in Kibum’s lap, whimpering in pain and clutching his arm with Jinki’s hoodie wrapped around it, so he deals with it in the best way he knows how.
“Hurry up!” he yells, nails digging into the upholstery of Jinki’s parents’ car.
“I’m trying! I just— there’s so many cars. Ohgod, I shouldn’t be doing this with just a permit. Did you try your aunt?” Jinki babbles back, voice wobbling on the edge of hysteria.
“Yes! I tried her, my parents, your parents, Jonghyun’s parents, everyone in any of our phones that actually has a real driver’s license and no one answered. Stop worrying and drive, okay?” Kibum’s one hundred percent sure he doesn’t sound the least bit hysterical himself.
Jonghyun reaches his uninjured arm between the front seats and pats Jinki on the shoulder. “I’ll b-be… I’ll be okay, I promise.”
Kibum just rolls his eyes and wipes at a spot on his jeans with shaky hands. “I’m making you clean all your snot off my clothes when this is all over.”
Jonghyun’s elbow is sharp where it’s digging into Kibum’s thigh, but Jinki’s breathing isn’t quite so fast or loud anymore so Kibum returns the favor by smearing the tears on Jonghyun’s cheek to give him something to think about other than his probably broken arm.
“Are you sure you don’t want to move in? We’ve got an extra room and all. And it’d be bigger than the on-campus dorms.”
“After last year? Never again. I already used up my lifetime supply of brain bleach, thank you very much. There’s only so much of you and Jonghyun I want to see on a daily basis.”
At least Jinki has the grace to blush; Jonghyun just leers and slings an arm over Kibum’s shoulder and wiggles his hips. “Aw, is little Kibum jealous?”
Kibum blanches. “Oh hell no. I’ll take my sane roommates for this year if you don’t mind.”
He leaves the two to christen their new apartment after dinner and gets back to his dorm only to hear familiar suspicious noises coming from the common room within. Reluctantly, Kibum unlocks the door and pushes it open. Taemin falls off the couch.
“Oh my god, fuck you both. I hate you, Minho. I’m never listening to you ever again.”
Five minutes later, the phone at Jinki and Jonghyun’s apartment rings.
“So does that extra room have a lock on the door?”